The US government, through its Department of Homeland Security, has deemed the 6.0 earthquake that shook the financial-political corridor (otherwise known as the Axis of Evil) from Washington, DC, to New York City as a "domestic terrorist."
A spokesman from DHS said: "The very fact that this natural disaster would choose to strike at the very heart of America, from the Pentagon to Wall Street, shows its intent to disrupt the business of America, which as we all know is as necessary as the air we breathe if the earth is to be kept spinning properly on its axis. This act of domestic terror will not succeed, despite all the shaking. Rather, it will cause the American people, once they're clearer to return to their workplaces, to stand firmly together. We recommend that all Americans get out immediately and show their patriotism by buying something on a credit card or by opening a checking account at Bank of America."
We also learned that Congress is contemplating an updated version of the USA Patriot Act that would outlaw unauthorized geological events and those who summon them through what a spokesman called "imprecatory prayer." (Yes, go ahead and blame it on "the Christians.")
On a related note, Hurricane Irene is headed north toward the mouth of the Potomac and likely will make landfall before the weekend.